THE CHANGE

Things change. Nothing stays the same.

THE OTHER TRAVELLER

Perhaps not. Just running thoughts derived from the rambling mind of a lonely traveller. Lost in time and space over decaying dreams and schemes that didn`t quite make it. Expectations that grew overwhelmingly bigger than life itself.

Perhaps just another traveller you are. In your own fine way of seeing things as they are. Things that just come as easily as they go in their own way. As easily and full of simplicity like an undying moth that flutters from one light to the next uncaptivated by the meanings. Immuned by hopeless memories you are that they become nothing but dust that fail to remain in due time.

THE NEW LITTLE MOTH

Try losing your wings and you might lose your mind. Life is that much unkind when it comes to making a choice. To chase your dream or to just live by what you have and be afraid of losing it. Little moth, living by day and trying to sleep your night while flashes of dreams that had kept you awake are beginnning to decay. Just try losing your bad habits and make scarce your happy smile. Try settling your restless mind over a cup of coffee instead of a glass of wine. Try losing a tear over an angry quarrel with all memories cleansed. Life can be that mean.

THE GYPSY AND THE GHOST

As the wind softly whispered words of uncertainty, he rested his weary head under a shady tree. He knew the way out of the mist very well like he had always known his way home. No matter how clouded, no matter how dark. Shutting his eyes lazily, visions of his past slowly reappeared one by one until all reassembled into a living monolith.

Far away, someone was awakened by the cold whispering wind that had made it`s way through the mist. A gypsy woman by the fire beside her caravan. Words of magical spells and chants began forming as her tongue danced to the half sleepy voice of the night. Deep in her mind she knew that some things in life just wouldn`t go away.

THE HAPPY DAY

From the tone of her voice I could tell that she was alright if not better. It was not an unfamiliar tone as I have heard it many times before. It was of the magical type with golden sprinkles and sparkling stardust.

I felt happy for her. It was the time where I wouldn`t dare say many things that I felt like saying. Maybe words would utterly fail if I tried to make things as clear as crystal.

I would rather leave things as they were at that time and hope for the best.

THE DECISION

Why should I try to be something that I`m not into but have to and for reasons I`m not even sure of?

You what?

Letting go of bad habits.

Haa.. turning over a new leaf?

Sort of.. if you put it that way. I`m beginning to forget the reason why I`m putting myself in a more and more uncomfortable situation.

Such as?

Doing or at least trying to like doing things that had not been in my top priority list all these while and slowly forgetting one by one the excuses I used when I made the decision.

Decision?

Never mind.

THE DRIFT

Sit back and relax. Rest your head and try to be at peace with your mind. Meandering thoughts as usual might always be trying to sway you away. The harder you try to push them away, the more they come. Therefore just let them come just do not listen to their whispers. Pretend instead that they are just soft music in the background and be mesmerized.

Step out for a second away from this long journey. Rest a while. Just let yourself drift away.

THE SILENT TURNOVER

Lights were slowly dimmed one by one. Voices and laughters gradually simmered to fade. Curtains were lowered. Everyone then just began to leave. One by one and some in pairs. All interests became leftover murmurs from glowing faces turned pale. Sound of hurried footsteps across the room echoed into omens of unknown proportions like a silent killer on a rampage.

Something came and changed the whole atmosphere that night. Something new and unfamiliar that turned the night into a massive turnover but in soft ambience. No name was uttered that night. Everyone just left.

THE MOVERS

One morning there was a loud honk at my door. I had been warned several days before and I had made preparations in advance, The only thing was I never thought the day would ever come. Maybe it was only my wish, my dream or part of my prayer but still.

As soon as I opened the door they just walked in and I just let them without any hesitation. Took all the things that were supposed to be taken. Most of them had been precious and beautiful. Some were unexpected memoirs that I never thought would meant so much. Drawings and sketches that were supposed to be completed at an appropriate moment. Planned books that were supposed to be written at the end of some relationships,friendships or scandalous affair of unforeseen circumstances. Everything that were supposed to be taken and I let them without a single doubt. No questions asked for I knew they had one common factor.

One fullstop.

"Thank you. Let`s move on!"

Fully spirited as they left me empty. Damned movers! They never fail or miss at any given equations and leave with no options. Always.

THE GIRL WITH THINGS AROUND HER HEAD

There she was like I had expected her to be that night with her messed up hair, t-shirt and boxers. Hurriedly but yet calm as she unlocked the grill. No words as she turned away as I stepped into her lair as usual. Everyhing was just routine and nothing new expected. I sat on the floor beside the shoe rack as I untied my shoe lace. The essential things for the night I had carefully laid by the wall neatly packed in a plastic bag. Boxed fruit drinks and a bottle of mineral water, two packs of cigarrettes of her brand, a new lighter, some cotton buds and some of her favourite junk food. By then she was already in the hall and I could hear her singing along her favourite song from the radio. I walked the little corridoor leading to the hall.

There she sat on the floor in the middle of the hall with all her messed up things all over the place unarranged as usual. She just kept on singing as I sat in front of her. A lighted candle was between us. It was already a little past 3 o`clock in the morning as her eyes sparkled with unexplained confidence about all those things around her head. I just gave her a little chuckle as she kept on singing. Just seeing her in that jagged reality and yet losing herself with all those things around was an enough welcomed sight for me.

Most of all, she had shared with me all those things around her head.

THE ONE DOOR

I shall not close this door. Never this one door. Behind this door is a road that leads to a place I cannot replace. The bends and the shady trees and the winding turns. The bridge and the old guardhouse. The bumps by the dozen and the rainy cliff. The view your window forever offers even though I know that you won`t be there to wait for my homecoming anymore. Still it does not really matter. Just the thought of hearing your voice and seeing your crooked smile again would be enough for me not to close this door.

THE DRAMA OF THE BALANCING ACT 4

You`re going to lose this one. Admit it! You must! Just don`t worry.

Who me?

Shows in your eyes.

Eyes can`t be read.

I can...

I`m looking through you.. you can`t even read that!

When you`re suppose to see what is in front not through?

Alright, I`m just a bit nervous. I`m going to lose one thing I`ve grown fond of. I should have seen it coming. I shouldn`t have..

Haa.. then you did see it! You just could not resist it could you! Like a drug! You just had to have it just one more time! Another and another and another! Until how many more times till you say no?

Okay! Okay! I get the idea! Still I`m not worried! I`ll get by..

Haa I know... "Things change, people change, life changes, nothing remains the same" excuse!

Yes. Absolutely. Definately not an excuse though.

Have you figured out a way to say no yet? An abrupt "NO" ..mind you.

Well... can you say no to drugs?

THE FACT OF THE MATTER

Here we go again. Collecting sea shells. One by one into the chest they go. Ones that seem captivating in their own way maybe. Sentimental values that remind us of beautiful things. Precious memories that make us smile. Maybe we might need them one day to remind us of good old days gone by. Telling our kids the memories behind each of them like fairy tales from a far away land.

Here we go again knowing full well that we are collecting nothing but empty spaces. Ones that we refuse to accept in our lifetimes. Ones that have always remain as wishes unfullfilled again and again. Here we go again making fools of ourselves. Refusing the fact of the matter. Pretending not to see. Ha ha.

THE WOLVES OF CIRCUMSTANCES

They shall always be watching and waiting with fiery eyes that forever stare at the tiniest opportunity that taps. Pray that you be strong and don`t ever let that fiery look in their eyes deceive you. Tell your mind that they mean nothing. Convince your self being that you shall come to terms with this deep pit of uncertainties and shall survive the infinate emptiness like you always did.

They are nothing but wolves that tear through skins and bones. Leaving nothing but broken hearts and pieces of whatever shall be left to rot and dry. Define your fear and come to terms with the outcome however sad they might be. Cry if you want but at the end of it all, embrace it without any single prejudice.

Only then shall they leave.

THE FUNNY LITTLE THING

You are a funny little thing. Always have been. You have no definate form or entity and yet you are there. I know you are there. I can only feel you. I cannot touch you. You always tease me with your enticing ornaments of dreams just to get me carried away or maybe as innocent as your well being just trying to seduce me into another one of your captivating undefined wonders.

Stupid funny thing! I shall not call your name anymore. Never again! For I know you`d be gone by then.

THE REGRET

When you were there I felt like I needed a little rest. A short holiday. Away from the normal simplicity that I`d feel over and over again from the fact that you were there. I`d try to make you go away for a while and if I were in luck find a sanctuary just to feel a little different on another ordinary day. I would then feel a little relieved from your presence although I knew that you were there. Then you left.

Now I have nothing.

THE THOUGHTS I TOOK FOR GRANTED

I said something that night that made her quite upset. I didn`t really expect that kind of reaction because I really said what had to be said from the bottom of my heart. Whatever I said came out spontaneously without much thoughts. Maybe I took things for granted as much of the things had many times came and were gone as fast as I could even spare a second thought. On the contrary I thought it would be just the same unimportant pieces of words that would not be of any impact or for that matter any consequences to her because having known her all those while I just did not expect she`d be that upset about it whatmore sad.

I just felt I was not needed anymore and I didn`t want my existence in her life be some kind of a pest that wouldn`t go away. That was the reason I said what I had to say that night.

`What are you saying pop? Why do you even say such things to me? How could you....?`

She just broke and sobbed like a little girl she had always seemed to be to me. I was just lost and did not dare to utter any more words. I thought I`d set her free that night and she`d be happy and that was the ultimate thing that she wanted. I was so sure that I needed no second thoughts about it.

I was wrong.

THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA

He sat at the edge of the cliff while he pondered at the cloudy sky over the horizon. The waves below seemed like tiny bits of wools being blown piece by piece into slow motion bits of memories. Silence filled his entity except for the sounds of yesteryears and whispers of unfullfilled dreams.

The sea had thaught him so much. It had never failed to mesmerize him with wonders of new things to understand each of his days. Yet till that very day he still couldn`t erase the feeling that had been haunting him all the years throughout his life. All the storms that he had ridden and survived. All the glittering fishes that he had caught. All the islands and the treasures that he had found. The fearsome sea battles that he had fought, won and at times lost. All the happy songs sung in ships filled with joy and laughter. The never ending waves that at times had swayed his hopes into tiny fragments of oblivion that could never be mended. Unexpected happy endings and unexpected sad ones too.

At the edge of the cliff he sat. His hands over his head while he ran his fingers over his hair that had only then he realised had worn out into a handfull strands. He sighed in despair that ended into a tiny smirk. Time had finally caught him red handed. Still he couldn`t let go of the feeling that had been haunting him after all that he had learned about the sea through good and bad times. Perhaps things weren`t meant to be understood with rhymes and reasons but lived, he thought.

Only then he felt he could surrender his conscience without the slightest guilt that he had become no wiser than the first day he set eyes on the sea. Slowly he laid back while he gazed with eyes half opened at the cloudy sky until he fell into a deep sleep of satisfaction.

THE GIRL WITH THE CROOKED SMILE

There`s a place where I don`t need any answers. Not even the slightest care to even ponder about a definition or a conclusion. Who cares for I am looking at you with your devilish look. Evil eyebrows and rolling eyes while smiling a crooked smile. I would trade my being just for that look in your eyes even though I know I don`t mean a thing to you.




Be damned with poetic words of whatever they whisper when in devotion of the affairs of the hearts. I don`t care. I won`t even twitch. Curse me and call me names and I shall only smile with satisfaction for having the precious moment that I cannot explain. I just want to be in the enchanting hours with your existence looking at me straight in the eyes. I don`t even need a significant word of your being in my head because I just want you to be right there in that precious moment. Forever.You are one hell of a friend. One exquisite foe and most of all, the tranquility of the reasonless sanctuary that you bring with the crooked smile. Damn you.

THE SHIP OF FOOLS

The signs were there. I didn`t give an inch. She neither. Nobody gave an inch. Not me. We certainly were driven by our alter egos. The signs were clear as crystal that night. We were like a couple of fools on the same ship. She was turning everything to the opposite direction. That night it showed more definitively than ever before. She was trying to do her act at her very best that she didn`t realise she overeacted. Still I`m not going to give an inch and I know she won`t either. We both knew that once we started giving in, the end would be inevitable.

THE PORT

She just loves feeding the mist in the flames. She waits in the dim light of her domain so cozy and warm. So cozy and warm that every ship that passes by her port would want to stop and anchor a while. A while at least if not for long. A while would be enough to make one`s clouded obscurity passes by in shimmering white so pure. So pure in white that none who passes by her port wouldn`t be mesmerized. Tonight we watch the dances of the mist in flaming wonder until we subconsciously sleep.

THE DRAMA OF THE BALANCING ACT3

You make up things too much !

Isn`t that what life`s all about? Making up things?

Well....

Ahah! I hear some sort of an optimism here!

Well.. maybe your interpretation of making up things have a different definition.

Still.. good enough! They do exist in your vocabulary.. at least!

Of course they do! Only I see them in a different way.

Life is making up things to keep us busy day by day so that we have someting to live for. Something to keep us busy everyday so that we won`t grow moss on our bodies. A rolling stone we are he! he!

I said you make up things too much. Didn`t you catch the TOO MUCH at the end?

Yea! Means I enjoy life very very much. Thank You!

No..

No?

You make up things too much. Things that sometimes don`t even exist in reality with respect to your everyday life. You make them up like adding spice on your steak or salt in your soup to make them taste better.

Nothing wrong with that! That`s why salt, pepper and spice and sauce exists! Please please don`t tell me they don`t exist!

Of course they exist idiot!

Walla! why the fuss?

Why the fuss? What`s the point is the ultimate question here. Why must you believe in something that`s just the opposite way? Like why do make believe that ..er..er.. a certain woman loves you when in reality she just thinks that you are just another jerk in her life?

Ha!ha! ha!

Fool!

You are such a bore my friend. Add spice to your chicken! He!He! We are back on a collision course here. Again!

I don`t see your point!

Of course not! You`re full of moss!

THE MISHAP

Another sweaty night in the middle of the city and there I was just mingling among the crowded pavement. My mind was in a trance and the crowded street did not bother me one bit. I was in a far away land and at peace with myself looking for my angel. Things had become so calm in me these days after the quarrel that turned out to be some sort of an omen for me.

It had been a mighty long time since I took night walks on crowded pavements. Tonight I realised that a lot of things had changed maybe for the better or vice versa. I was just not bothered to analize. How meaningless things were as I overheard mumbled words and unfinished sentences as I passed among actors of that long play known as life.

A buzz on my cellphone.

"Where are you pop?" her voice full of innocence as usual.

"On my way baby..." I said.

"Ok...I`ll be here" as she hung up.

Neon lights and young kids dressed up for the kill of the night and the ever flowing traffics like there was no end to the notorious jam. Did we make our life any better with all the complicated achievements that we invented. Along the way we even found ourselves salvation through new viruses and hi tech drugs. We had actually failed to realise that wars could never be won. It should not even be started in the first place. Running thoughts as I continued like a careless ghost out of the closet. I got carried away in my far away land again.

"Pop! Over here!" I heard her familiar voice.

I turned and there she was at a table in the corner of an open air Italian Cafe. All of a sudden thoughts ran no more. The crowd virtually just vanished into thin air. She was the only image that stayed in my sight as I walked towards her. I kissed her soft cheeks as she tried to get up but in time enough for me not to let her as her left foot was still in full plaster from the mishap.

How awesome some things turned out to be. Unexpected things. A miscalculated mishap that turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It had even brought us much closer than before. So close that we could even read each others minds.

THE HOSPITAL

She laid so helpless and seemed frozen as I walked towards her bed. The smell of hospitals had always been a turn off for me. Doctors and nurses in white robes and caps. Tubes and masks and help desks with maids scribbling unreadable words on files. My eyes were fixed on her face as I stood beside her and slowly held her hand. She started to cry.

"I`m so cold pop.." she murmured.

I covered part of her legs that was exposed. Her movement was restricted as her left foot was covered in plaster and bandages. She had fractured her ankle and that to me was lucky enough. That she didn`t land on her head when she jumped from the second floor. One would quite easily lose one`s balance from that height or maybe lucky enough it was just from the second floor. Unthinkable. It came to all this as a result of a quarrel that started over a phone. Dozens of questions bombarded my mind but not a single one came out of my mouth. Refrain was my ultimate discipline at that moment.

"I`m so sorry I..." she began to explain.

"Ssshh.. ok..just hang in there baby.." I said although part of me wanted her to finish her explanation. Somehow I had already sensed that there were nothing good to listen to. Another part of me didn`t want to hear what she was going to say.

At times she`d break like a little girl but that day had taken a lot to make her cry. Not from the pain of her fractured ankle but something inside that had been dragging her mind to the brink. Love or hatred, awkwardly enough it took a hospital to magnify one`s deep feelings that couldn`t find the right words to say all these while.

THE QUARREL

At times she`d break like a little girl. That morning, from far away I could see her on her cellphone almost non stop from the beginning she appeared from the elevator as she walked towards my car.

Eventually she got in, still chattering but after a while I began to notice that it wasn`t an ordinary friendly chat like she normally does. It was a quarrel. Shouts and curses and dirty words. Very serious and was getting out of hand. She began to perspire heavily and her eyes started blinking rapidly.

"Calm down baby..." I said.

She kept on shouting angrily as though I didn`t even exist in my driving seat. She`d hung up once in a while and shouted her anger at me in clouded words. I didn`t catch a single word she was saying as I got lost over the whole scenario of her quarrel. I just nodded blankly while my mind tried to read her behaviour and reaction as I drove. I had never seen her that peculiar before.

She started again over her cellphone and soon the pieces of jigsaw puzzle began to rearrange inside my mind piece by piece.She had been staying with another man. In a blink of an eye I remembered what she once told me. She was then planning to fix a wealthy guy and siphon part of his wealth all the way to the bank if not all. That figured.

"Throw me some bones, don`t forget.." I used to joke.

"Sure pop! A Sony cellphone, a digital camera and what else.." while smooching me all over. I didn`t think she was serious. All the while I had been wondering where she got all the expensive stuffs.

Snapped out.

"Dammit!!" as I turned and stared fumingly at her.

"Stop! Stop! Here! Now!" She just shouted spontaneously. I pulled to the side of the road. She got down, opened the rear door, took her stuffs out.

"Where you goin` now?" I asked.

"I`ll take a cab!" she answered short. Before I could ask more, she was gone.

An hour later I got a call from one of her friends. She had jumped from the second floor of the house she had been living in all these while. I was stuck in the middle of a traffic jam.

THE ANGEL

That night she looked extra pretty. I`ve never seen her as beautiful as she was that night. She wore a classic short soft skirt in black and in the dim light her pretty slim legs glowed in smooth silky elegance. High heels. A G-string top of soft blue with some flower designs not so obviously visible because of the even softer blue tones of the background. A soft see-through black overcoat that hung loose over her shoulder. She wore pearl necklaces of three different sizes each a little much bigger than the other which she cleverly looped around her neck. The ends of her pearls just laid soft on her fair bosom that would be quite revealing otherwise. It was just enough not to stir unwanted stares by unwanted stalking eyes. She wore tiny diamond bling bling which was beautifully crafted to spell her name on her wrist which sparkled in awesome colours as she moved her hand. She just let go her hair so free that it looked perfectly natural as she smiled occasionally while she spoke.

"One of these days I`ll get you a bling bling with your name papa..." she whispered softly but full of excitement.

Before I could say anything she recalled as though she just remembered something. Indeed she had.

"No.. how silly of me, you wouldn`t wear it. You can`t.. can you? You`re a man. My man! Don`t you dare!" she continued with a short childish giggle while cuddling me spontaneousely over the neck as she laid her head soft on my shoulder.

She dozed off silently soft over my shoulder as I drove passed the streetlights. What a wonderful night it was. Two outstandingly different worlds for me like the coloured neons. For one, I had been in trouble over some stupid reasons somewhere else and before I could resolve to an answer she just appeared in my life and saved me all over again. Out of nowhere. Like a UFO. She didn`t know. I didn`t tell her. I almost cried in silent tears of joy. One moment with her was like a millenium full of tranquility and inner peace. What an angel she was that night. My angel.

THE MOTH III

Like always when things seem to fade into the darkness of the night, you`d come back flapping your wings. Your naive charm would bring back my confidence that all had not been in vain. You are no creature of my night but an angel of inspirations that I had almost lost along the way.

Little moth, dreambringer. With you here tonight I know I`ll never lose my way. One moment with you is like a thousand years full of magic. Fly as you like and never again will I doubt that you would leave. For I know you`d be back flapping your wings on a rainy night.


morph38 ( panels from Morpheus )

THE EMOTIONS

There will always be emotions in my life. They are like cigarettes to me that I can never be without. Emotions are my drugs. They make me do a million things. Swing me back in the rat race everytime things go haywire. I`d just get myself carried away, far off to distant places. Surrendering all that I have in me and just break to start all over again without a single regret.

THE MEMORIES

Memories linger on like a soft warm wind blowing continually. Comfortably making you feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold misty morning. They will consume you dry until you cry.

THE TIPTOE

Be careful of what you say. It might lead you to the unknown. At least give a thought about what your words might cause. This is something that you can prevent before it is too late. Be very careful of your words for it might cause a dramatic change of unknown consequences. Positively or negatively. Tiptoe softly step by step as if you are trying to walk pass by a sleeping giant. Don`t let him hear you. Don`t even breath let alone sneeze or you might land into a big trouble. Do not focus on the destination of your footstep for now. Just concentrate on your footstep so as not to make a single sound. Just bear the moment a while and hope for the best. Most of all, pray that you would come out of this. Alive and well.

THE WAY HOME

This road I`m walking on,will always be familiar. The air feels so fresh and wonderful. The scent of the green leaves brings beautiful memories. This quiet road I`m walking on will always lead me to the most wonderful place I`ll never forget. A sanctuary of peace. A haven of solace and tranquility. A place of a timeless age where thoughts never lose their ways. A place of serenity. I`ve always been able to find this road whenever I lose my way every now and then. This will always be my way home.

THE THOUGHT

Suddenly the thought of losing you haunts me. The thought of not having to bug you anymore or to be bugged by you. The thought of not having to exchange bad words with you anymore. The thought of not seeing your sarcastic smirk anymore. The thought of not seeing you play with smoke anymore. The thought of not seeing your angry face or a sweet smile or the "who?me?" face anymore. The thought of not hearing your "childish little cry when you have a bad tooth" anymore. The thought of not buying your cigarettes anymore. The thought of no more needs to buy junk food or having sushi or udon or salmon anymore.

That would take quite a lot from my life. Maybe I`m not that prepared after all or am I just imagining things that I assume. Leave me you will one day and that is a certain fact according to my logic mind. For sure. Life is for living and changes would be made even though certainly not by me. Hell! I hate that fact and I must have written it a dozen times.

THE PLEDGE OF THE JUNKIES

We are just tired of the normal situation that we are in. We are not the normal being we should be. We should be dancing in the streets. We should be singing in the rain. We should be sleeping soundly in a warm bed entertained by sweet dreams of happy days. We are tired. So tired that we think we are not the person we were or should be. We have lost our concentration and strive to overcome what lies ahead. We need some space. We need some air to breath.

THE MIST

I am prepared to leave you. I have no more tricks up my sleeve. The magic is gone perhaps for the better. I must not hold you on my ground. I must not bind you from flying.

Ada Burung - ( a sketch from my early journal )

I am just holding on to a thin string of a misty dream before I lose it. The mist is all that is left between you and me for now. As long as the mist stay, I know the night shall be full of enchantment. That we shall be together sharing the breath of dragons and butterflies. Riding the wind among the clouds high up in the sky. Watching the waves dance past the morning hours. Listening to whispers of fairy tales sparkled by flames of blue diamonds. We shall then again be the lost souls of the night. Chasing the wind until our breath run dry.

I am prepared to lose you when the morning comes as I know you`ll be gone by then. Only to return again on another misty night. When there be no more mist, I would know that you are gone. Forever.

THE DECEIVER

Your smile and laughter did not fool me. I could see behind your eyes that there was nothing but emptiness. Vengeance and anger were slowly dying, no matter how hard you tried to make them stay.

Behind your smile and laughter I could see your strength weakening. Slowly fading. Being overpowered by the feelings that you were trying to run away from. You were just being your old self. Building walls brick by brick to keep away the unwanted feelings. Deep in your mind I could hear the noise when the night crept softly in silence. Cold tears of a bleeding heart, each time you tried to close your eyes. Warm memories that refused to die on a rainy day. You were hiding and fooling everyone. Your smile and laughter were just means of being deceiving but they didn`t deceive me. That didn`t matter to you because most of all, they were for yourself.

I could see in your eyes that you were on the run and no matter how hard you tried you were getting nowhere. Run all you want. Hide however you can. The faster you run, the faster they will be after you. In the end they will be where they were meant to be. In your heart.

THE MONUMENT

Someone was picking up the pieces of dreams that laid shattered on the floor. Rearranging tiny fragments,bits and pieces of broken promises and what was left of what was once a sacred vow. A battle had been lost and blood had been shed. In the end, like an endless myth, foretold over and over again,nobody had won but everything else lost. A sacrificial ritual of broken hearts had taken place.

Someone was building a monument made of gems and gifts of yesterday.Embedded with happy laughters of precious moments.Painted with what was once tears of joy from soft sparkling eyes that once soothed the heart and soul.Most of all built out of love so divine and pure. All had lost their meanings as they laid in pieces on the floor. Nothing but the silent emptiness remained.

THE GIRL FROM OBSCURITY

Tut - ( a sketch from my early journal )

There is someone whom I know very well but then again maybe not that well.

Someone I met out of nowhere or from the most unexpected place that I did not even dream of in the first place.

A friend but then again a bit more than just a friend. A lover but then again maybe no. Even though given half a chance, we probably would be. Then again maybe it`s just because I`m just a man. Vulnerable to soft whispers and tender touch. Ironically she never whispers and we seldom even touch each other, whatmore to be intimate.

Yet I`d miss her when she goes silent or gone missing for days. I`d think about the days we spent together even though we did nothing much except just being together. Even the way she smiled or the look in her eyes at those particular moments would make me feel so wanting to just see her again. Her sweet voice would constantly ring in my ear and I`d recall whatever she had said so clearly.

Then again it`s not like being in love. I`ve been in and out of love a few times. I`d know. I guess.

I don`t know where to put her in my mind or for that matter in my heart. I`d miss her but then again it would be ok. I`d feel like I want to keep her in my heart but then again I`d just let that feeling go so easily.

Sometimes I just love life. It`s so full of obscurity.

THE TROUBLE WITH HAVING A FEELING AGAIN

To win or to lose. It did not matter in the first place. Things we took for granted and never calculated the odds or did not even want to know about the odds and evens. Most of all, we failed to see the within. Not all things were what they seemed to be. What is life if everything had been as clear and as wonderful as crystal. What is life if everything had been calculated from the beginning. Life is beautiful because we just have to live it day by day, full of surprises. Good ones and bad ones. As we got occupied in time, the metaphysics of life itself had always remained naturally in motion. We became forgetful creatures of time in life itself.We forgot about the changes. Things change. Feelings change. People change. The good things remained as beautiful memories that eventually became the past. The bad ones succumbed in flames of anger deep in our hearts. They had blinded us and left scars. Tomorrow we shall be awakened again to another new feeling. To live is to close our eyes and surrender our inner selves.

THE MISSED FRIEND

Meet a friend of mine who is also a fierce foe. Who juggles while doing a tightrope act in mid air. Who clowns around in the midst of something dramatically sad and vice versa. Who is able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Able to make you forget about all regrets at the same instance recalling all the bad memories of the past. Shake the hand of this friend of mine who is the real serial killer. The asssasin and also the mirror who lies behind the truth. A friend, an artist who is able to modify looks according to one`s likes or dislikes. A master sculptor with such precision tools that erase away the pain of wounds and turn them into beautiful romances of the stones. A giant. A mountain and a grain of sand. A shapeshifter this friend of mine is, who disappears in the darkness of the night. Who blends into droplets and falls along when it rains. Meet the abominable, the everlasting, the fantastic. Shake hands before the opportunity is lost. Who shall definately be missed when gone. A friend of mine, the amazing time factor!

THE MOTH II

Home is where the heart is, some people say. Where is your heart little moth? Wondering in awe at every neon that glitters from a hot, steamy night till the cold misty morning. Just listen to the dogs that bark at every shadow with the same voice. Long and full of sarcasm. Nobody cares. Drunk with fiery eyes that never sleep. They will only take everything and then break you. Leaving you with nothing but emptiness.

When will the journey end or does it matter at all? Close your eyes and be at peace with yourself and forever end the ellusive quest. Come back home and be cuddled under a warm blanket of dreams while you sleep. Come home tonight.

THE MOTH

Come back home little moth. Home where you`ll be warm and dry. Fly on home tonight. The lights been blistering your mind with hopes of never ending promises. They`re just illusions in life. Ones that are and always will be up there to keep you going for no definate reasons. They are the make belief dreams that have no end. Come back home tonight and shut the door. Turn off the light and close your eyes. Rest your weary mind a while and think not of the quest that had been obsessing you all these while. Fly on home tonight. Fluff! Fluff!


"Flip!Flap!" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE SONG OF THE DRUNKEN ANGELS

We entered the realm of the dim and started drinking. Mug by mug. Jug by jug. Noises became music to our ears. Mumbles and grumbles turned to laughter. Shadows and silhouttes in the dark whispered news of joy resurrected from the ashes of broken dreams that had shattered only yesterday. We had that night conquered with our full hearts endured. A whole night of reasoning with all senses of reality thrown out the door. Mug by mug. Jug by jug. Before dawn we were only half awaken by the remains of what was left of any more of any sad excuses. Nothing was spared. Only a nano speck for the sake of staying alive, maybe. O yes, we conquered that night and we made it`s darkest dungeon turned to gold. It`s saddest tears to sparkling magic. It`s coldest fears to endless hopes. Mug by mug, jug by jug.

THE DRAMA OF THE BALANCING ACT2

Here we are again, back at the same place where you started. I told you so! Why don`t you ask yourself where did it get you?

Where did it get me? Huh!

What difference do things make now? Are you satisfied with what you`ve done? Gain anything new? From the look in your eyes, things are no better.

How do you know? Do you read people through their faces? Their eyes? You are dead wrong my friend. You see.. I don`t do calculations. Equations do not exist in my vocabulary.

What did you gain?

What did YOU gain? Apart from the headaches of trying to solve the equations of logics of course. Aah.. I see... reality got you nowhere. Scary scary unknown territories! A big no no! All calculations equal zero!

I did not gain anything. I did not lose anything either.

I see... well..I lost some of my things somewhere along the way. Hell! so what? No use in keeping stupid things throughout my whole life anyway. After all, like they always say.. life is short!

They were your precious things, you know.

Yes they were but I gained something else too. Ones that you would never gain because of your stupid equations!

What?

Ha! Ha!

What??!

Experiences my friend. Precious experiences that stay forever!

THE PHONEY THINGS

I`m doing it again. I`ve not slept for two days. So many things on my mind. So many things to do. So many phoney things to chase. So many phoney things to get my hands on. To create. So many phoney things. So many phoney words to arrange and say. To have to listen to phoney words being said and make my own judgement. So many phoney people. To have to admire or to be awed by their phoney serenity. Phoney faces. So many phoney situations. Searching for the truth amongst phoney minds. No I don`t want the truth. Yes I do. No. I don`t. When will all these phoney things stop? I`d rather they not stop. Yes. Stop. No. Don`t stop. Yes. Stop. No. Don`t stop.

THE GIRL WHO WORE A SNOWCAP

Sketsa09B - ( a sketch from my early journal )

I know a girl who used to wear a snowcap. She used to surround herself with an imaginary wall of self believe that seems so humongous from an outsider`s point of view. Mine for once. She used to defend attacks of her principle with such great self esteem that one would be impossible to penetrate her private world. The more I tried to figure out her world, the smaller I`d become as the result of my curiousity. It was like knocking my head against the wall that she had built around herself. She had answers for almost everything she was doing. A cure for every predicament. Cleverly disguised. So perfectly intact she was, that one would never expect a flaw anywhere near her. To deter away bad feelings, she had curses and spells and ugly words. Anger and rage.

Time went by. Day by day. Once in a while I`d peep a little into her private merry go round whenever I could by hook or by crook. Slowly I began to understand her. That she had built the wall precisely to adapt herself with changing times. Reasons and excuses for every unwanted feelings that she wanted to deny. All neatly arranged accordingly when needed.

One day as we shared our breakfast and our little woes in life, if any, I saw sparkles in her eyes. Ones that I`ve never seen before and most of all, the wall that used to surround her, had crumbled. She kept relating about her feelings and smiled every now and then, with eyes lazily wandering far away through me and almost everything else in her path. No more spells and curses. I realised then that she had not worn her snowcap for a mighty long time. She had fallen for somebody.

THE BRIDGE

While I wasn`t looking, she actually burned the bridge that we built. She then just disappeared on the other side. It was something that I would never do or ever done in my life, intentionally. Made me wonder as I snapped out of my make belief dreams. How would she know that the way she was following was the right way. Full of optimism that she was confident enough not to return the same way back. Maybe precisely that was her reason. On the other hand maybe she was not at all optimistic about the decision that the way back must be destroyed at all costs. Not that I`ve never seen bridges burned before but that took me a bit by surprise. I would have sworn that I saw it coming. I even joked about it but she didn`t laugh. My only mistake was that I calculated it way too late. Hell, I`m not a good mathematician. Whatever the reason was, I hope she found the right way. For me, there`s a time for every little thing. That time, the time of the bridge was up. One thing certain is that I bear no grudges. That I am certainly sure. Now I know why she didn`t laugh.

THE BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE

Even after living for almost half a century, there still are things that never fail to bombard me with questions that I have no answers for. Is it me who is always filled with uncertainties and wouldn`t accept the answers because of the way I am thinking? Even that, I am not certain. I feel I am more matured and would accept the reality of an answer even if it makes me uncomfortable. Yes, I think so. Why would I run away from reality anymore? I already know where the run would take me. Nowhere. I would be back in no time because most of the things on the run, I`ve been lucky to experience and didn`t lose my way back.


"Dan Malam Pun Berpesta" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

Maybe "I`ve been there", like they always say but I took things for granted because they had been repetative throughout my life. They sure make me sick each time I snap out of it. After a while I`d realised that everything had been perfectly placed in their appropriate arrangement even without my doing anything. Maybe Ive forgotten. Everything just fell in place like jigsaw puzzles from the sky.

Only one thing new I`ve learned. One thing that I failed to implant inside my brain all these while until now. Sounds so easy that I`ve always took it for granted throughout my whole existence until now. Now I know why some people surrender their self being in solitude of the way of life. An existence. The answer? Well.. I can rest my brain now because I know it is somewhere in the future and when I reach it, I know one thing though. I`ll be smilling from the satisfaction of scratching my ellusive itch all the while. Blessings in disguise.

THE AFTERMATH

A few of us learned something and most of us nothing. I do not know exactly where I fit between the two. Makes me ponder at times but I always do even at small unimportant things. Ponder that is. I guess being back to normal is doing the things that I do and have done in my past. Maybe the changes had been little if any. I don`t feel much as time goes by. Unlike the stories they tell in paperback novels or even in movies where you get to feel the twist in the plot. In life? Well, I don`t actually look forward to a twist. A twist to me is like trying to quit smoking all of a sudden. Stop drinking tea in the evening or start wearing tailor made slacks with longsleeve shirts. Thanks but no thanks twister! I`ll just stick to my one and only common denominator in my life for now. As I have always done so in the past and hopefully until forever. That is trying to be as good in heart as possible but then again who am I to be the judge. Oh well.

THE GOOD THINGS

The more you think about things, the more each thing become so pointless. In the end, the only thing that you will find is the art of filling empty spaces with things that you define as wonderful. Good things, favourite things that make you happy and never fail in making you feel good.

When you are used to collecting good things, you tend to collect more and more. Each time you try to make it better than the last. If you are not able in reaching that goal then you tend to feel unsatisfied. Soon the level of what you call good things, takes to a higher notch with each improvement you try to make. You would do anything for as long as it makes you feel as good as the last time if not better.

After a long time the good things start to become scarce because the level has risen so high that what you used to term as good things by then have become a common norm.

Then you break. No more good enough things left. At least none that reach your level anymore. You just ponder at others collecting their good things and smirk a little while scratching your head because you know you`ve been there. What else can you do but start all over again. Only this time with a different key maybe with the never fading hope of discovering something new.

If you stop, you will become an existence with no reasons. A nothing.

THE SOJOURN

When life goes stagnant you start looking for trouble to stir it up. Maybe not to a point that would drive you crazy but enough to swing you back into the race. Make calls that are totally unplanned and agree to anything without even considering the consequences. For a moment you have lost whatever it was that made you ticked. You are being drowned by the unbearable silence of the naked mind.You don`t become the usual self that you are and always have been. Funny how sometimes you admire the peace and quiet of the sojourn then all of a sudden you just hate it.

THE WIND OF WAR

                                          A Town By The Sea - ( a sketch from my early journal )

Prepare arms for the battle. It is just around the corner. Sweat if you must. Be prepared to lose some of the things that are close to you. Do not be scared and don`t ever let your spirit down. This is not the time to listen to the devil`s whispers. Now is the time to slowly leave your hard to break habits. Be in control and stay put. Concentrate on self restrain and don`t lose your head. There`s a wind of war in the air. You can feel it looms closer and closer. Sleep while the moon still glows it`s light. Conserve your energy for the fight. This is going to be another "winner takes all" brawl. God willing we shall overcome every enemy at the door and emerge victorious.

THE DAY I LAID EYES ON YOU

That day was the happiest day of my life. That was the day I laid eyes on you for the first time. I didn`t understand it all until that moment came. There you were with your eyes softly shut and your dreams full of innocence. I had so many things on my mind that I wanted to say to you. Show you things and make you smile. Until that day I didn`t know that something in this reality could actually have the awesome power to change me into a whole different being. Defined the meaning of love so purely without a speck of doubt. That was the moment I understood the reasons for almost all of my existence.

THE TIME TRAVELLER`S MESSAGE

I know that you would read this message but would NEVER take this seriously.

Don`t ask me how. If I tell you the truth at this point, you just wouldn`t believe it. Do not follow the intuition that you frequently experience, telling you to do the things that you think would lead you to the ultimate perfect answer. You are wrong. Dead wrong. It would be better if you end it right now even though everything seems perfect up till this moment. The thing is that you don`t see the mistakes that you make because the whole situation seems right. You are in a huge dome of error that is ultimately blinding you and is impossible for you to see the outside. It`s like a ship that is perfectly cloaked right in front of you and by the time it`s uncloaked, it`d be too late to turn back. You don`t see it now but you will when you get there.

I`m writing this message because it`s the only thing that I`m able to do even though I know how futile my action is. You don`t know how hard it is for me to leave this note for you to stumble upon while arranging the correct sequences to avoid the dreaded paradox.

However futile this action of mine is, having seen already the decision that you are going to make. Still I believe that things can be changed at the very last tick. That is a fact that I`ve had the privilage to witness in the past or future or whenever for that matter my friend. Forgive me if I sound a bit confused here. Blame it on my internal clock.

Anyway just be forewarned and good luck my friend.

"Zerohour" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

"However futile this action of mine is, having seen already the decision that you are going to make. Still I believe that things can be changed at the very last tick."

THE LITTLE PEOPLE

Lay flat on your back and look up the ceiling. Hands by your side. Focus on one point and just pretend that your clockwork self is taking a break. Don`t move. Don`t even twitch. Pretend that the little people who`ve been working inside your body all these while are taking one long vacation. They are slowly leaving your body one by one.They are making their way out of your body through the ends of your fingers. Don`t look. Stay focus on the ceiling. That`s it. Don`t be afraid now and don`t panic. Slowly you start to feel numb all over your legs and arms. There`s no one left to move the muscles in your body. All the little people there are gone. You feel nothing there. Now only the ones working in your head are left. They too are packing up their bags.Your eyes become heavier and heavier as one by one they walk out through the ends of your hair. Soon your eyelids start to shut. Darkness falls except for the light of your mind.You don`t feel your body anymore but do not be afraid. All the little people are gone by now. Only the few last ones. They are the ones who`ve been lighting up your mind. Tell them to go as well. If they bribe you with sweet memories and bedtime stories just kick them out the window. Usually they are the stubborn ones or the workaholics and would do anything to stay. Tell them to go. It`s vacation time. See nothing. Say nothing. Hear nothing. Feel nothing. Fly!


"Tafakur" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE STALKER`S CHEST

Put this one in. It`s a picture of you and `the monkey` with her head romantically tilted on your shoulder. All in black and white. This one too. An old love letter that you wrote but too obscene to send. Some more love letters, ones that you received. Bits of short messages on little bits of papers that turned up to be more memorable than you expected. Don`t forget these collections of spoons, chopsticks and matchboxes from some hotels with their logos. Some posters. How about some unfinished portraits of her. Some semi nude ones too. Oh and pieces of tissues with some lipstick remains stolen from her wastepaper basket. Remember the good old stalking days? Here put your nose on the tip of this perfume bottle. Remember the scent? Familiar? Never mind that, dirty your mind a little. Smell this piece of black scantily `souvenier` that you got after you did something nasty one night. Sketches and bits of sarcastic doodles and what else. Ah yes her voice in this tiny cassette tape that you recorded without her knowing it. Put them in. Put them all in the chest.

THE GIRL WHO BET INTO TROUBLE

I know another girl who came to me one night. Over a glass of root beer and a pack of cigarettes she told me about a bet she had made. Some friends of hers challenged her 1k each that she could never make this one nice, married, family, homely type forty`s man, fall in love with her. That this guy was 99 and a half percent unprovocable.That was the ultimate assurance from her friends. They wouldn`t throw away 1k each if they were skeptical.

Being naive and short minded thinking plus the triple k`s that she would get from three friends, she accepted the challenge. She said she just couldn`t resist being challenged that way. Moreover it was her self pride and integrity that she had to preserve.

Days passed by and the nice homely man started to melt day by day. Until that night she told me that this guy was already half way in love with her. She was beginning to get the creeps with assumptions and what if`s. That the guy was all over her everyday life. Consistant phone calls days and nights that were genuinly resulted from an innocent heart that really cared.A man who was almost deeply in love and ironically so pure that he had never even touched her so far. She just couldn`t tell the truth because she didn`t know how and most of all, the imagined heartbreak to follow. If she kept playing the game, nobody could guarantee no home broken or a divorce filed. She was getting real scared of the circumstances. That if there was a bit of love in her heart for that man, it was just a speck, all for the sake of his innocence and that she could just rid of it like swatting a fly from her cheek.

She told the three friends and they had already noticed the changes earlier on. The three friends had by then cancelled their bets because things were getting serious and that they couldn`t handle the situation anymore. Moreover that nice homely man was not only a friend but a higher superior and they dared not when it came to telling the truth about the bet. That would make them looked like bozos and the victim a double bozo.

As she related her woes it was already almost 4am. All the while I was trying to indentify her weaknesses and that night I knew one thing about her. She succumbs to the ultimate truth in life. Sincererity.

THE DRAMA OF THE BALANCING ACT

I must be careful not to upset this balancing act I`m in. Be very careful not to step on the delicate equations of empty dreams. Most importantly I must never turn away from the dark realms of unknown territories.

Be damned! Don`t tell me you`ve never heard of the saying 'just do it'?

For fools. I`ve been there. Reality speaks by a more logical mathematical equation. I must not be sleepy. I must not be strangled to nothingness by the hands of soft spoken whispering mistakes. I must never ever be sleepy.

So what? Who cares? Talk about sayings,`life is a gamble' and life is a very big gamble. New territories are to be explored not kept away in one dark corner of assumption.

One who knows the equations in the balancing act must be patient enough with emotions of the self in acquiring the precise answer. Must not be swayed. Must not be swayed.

Have it your way. Fool! Dream on! You`ll never find the right answer for this equation.

You dream on! Fool!

THE KALEIDOSCOPE EYES

"Age of The Thorn Tree" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

Those familiar eyes. They bring bitter sweet memories of my past. What I should tell you would never make sense with those kaleidoscope eyes of yours. I know because I`ve been there. Thus I should just shut up and let you find out for yourself. Opinion and advice at this particular stage would only bore and make you eventually fade away from my life. That`s the last thing that I need now. I should make whatever I have at this point of my life, as infinite as possible and those kaleidoscope eyes are the only connection that I have between you and me for now. My only hope is that you will survive it at least until you have found what you have been looking for. Any which way I won`t put away the thought that I am definitely going to lose you at some point along the way. Still I have faith and good thoughts that you shall come out winner at the end of all this. We shall then look back in happy memories of the kaleidoscope eyes. Together.

THE TROUBLE WITH HAVING A FEELING

Things change. Feelings too change. They take shape from each situation day by day. What we never got used to, became routine as easy as a walk in the park. People change. The trouble with trying to resist changes and wanting things to be as they are, forever if possible, is that you`ll lose. When you lose, it hurts. If you have been losing for the past ages, it`s because you have been denying the true nature of existence itself. Still the feeling of wanting, dominates. How many times you fell and were defeated again and again yet you tend to make the same mistake over and over again.

Perhaps it would be better if you do not ponder in aw at the beginning of a new situation. No matter how much you like it. Nurturing it could lead to another defeat. Unless of course, you have been numbed and immuned by the sickening pain of losing to the nature of existence itself. Changes that is.

THE FLAME

Maybe life is lighting a candle. A definition of life by somebody. It does not matter if your flame is bright or dim because however small your flame is, the important thing is your contribution in lighting it to make this one great light of life. Some people are lucky enough to explode like a supernova in life and their light are seen by most. Others just merely exist with their dim candle ever blowing in the wind just waiting to be blown away.

Do not fret. The way I see it, the dim lights are as great as the bright ones because each cannot exists without the other. Always the opposites of each existence that makes life tick. Thus if you fail to explode just do the opposite. Implode.

THE SLOW TRAIN

I do not know what I want or do I need to want something for now. A reason for me to carry on day by day or should I just be merely making the self happy and comfortable each day? Why is it so hard for me to break away from everyday routine? Lately I`ve been living like a slow train rambling on my rail and at this point couldn`t break away from it. For now I`m just existing here. No plans. Got a dream to catch though but on this rail dreams easily fade away accordingly to time. That`s what dreams do if you don`t catch them fast enough. They just fade. Like the clouds outside the window. You just look at them and couldn`t do anything. What is there to do except watch and ponder.


"The Rain" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE MAGIC MIRROR

Is it only me? Everytime I look in the mirror I don`t see the real person whom I'm suppose to be. Maybe I've deviated too much from realism. I've been indulging myself too much with escapism. I get kicks out of it anyways. I can do wonders with the magic of escapism and I don`t even know if that is right or wrong. Good or bad. All I know is that it never fails in making me feel good. Making me dream on. The only flaw is that it does not work all of the time. Realism can be mean at times. Not even my magic mirror would help.

THE GIRL WHO COMES AND GOES

I know a girl who comes and goes anytime she likes. I mean she changes every day
according to whatever it takes with every new day. Sometimes I`d miss her for who she was only yesterday. Changes her phone number a dozen times. Changes her hairstyle many more times to suit each mood. Not to mention the colours of her hair or for that matter the eyes.

Then she would just disappear totally for a long time and reappears in my life all of a sudden. She would never say what happened or even talk about yesterday. The only words that she would say were that she had been busy or she got occupied with something which ended in a wild goose chase. She once told me, good or bad she`d just have a go because she`d rather have something to lose than having nothing to gain.

For some strange reasons, I know her but then again I don`t. So unpredictable and yet so familiar. So near yet so far. She`s a living tick-tock clock that never stay put for even one second.

Even at times I`d wonder where she`d be and doing what. Is she alright or in some kind of trouble. Soon the thoughts would simply disappear from my head. Just when I totally forgot about her she`d ring up and we would meet all over again. What a character this girl is. Must be life`s rollercoaster, this girl.

THE LIE

Whatever it was that I told my friend about the mountains, I must have lied to him somewhere along the way. Deep inside I knew I agreed with him one hundred percent. I too am walking backwards looking at the wonderful things I`ve left behind. The only difference is that bad experience had thaught me to peep forward once in a while to look where I`m going. I don`t like peeping forward because if I do that, I tend to assume things and make calculations. These calculations and what if`s freeze me up at times. In the end I would become a big fat zero getting nothing done. My friend was certainly right. The mountains do look majestic from far and I certainly want them that way. The time machine he was babbling about, can only exist in my dreams. The idea of undoing wrongs and doing what should have been done still haunt me to this day.

Here I am till this day, walking backwards and getting bumps on my head, trips and falls and not one bit learning anything new.


"Trying To Forget" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE LETHAL SAYING

Talk about sayings, the infamous "NEVER WRITE OFF LIVERPOOL" proved lethal this morning. Magnificent comeback by the boys in red after a three goal deficit, has got to be the most amazing turnaround in football history and will be long remembered. I, being a Liverpool die-hard fan since the Craig Johnston and Ian Rush days shall certainly cherish this particular "back from the dead" victory!

FULL STORY

THE CHAIN SMOKER

Wait one more minute. Light up a cigarette and sit down. Relax. Let`s think this thing out slow and easy. Be reasonable and try to find an answer for each question that crops up. Come up with the best possible answer if you have to choose. Inhale. Nice and slow and let it out. See? Feel the space inside your head? After all, it`s just life. This is what people do. Rearranging puzzles and putting them in the right places. Only sometimes we tend to become a little confused because we always want the best of everything and want nothing to lose. Inhale. Nice and slow and let it out. clearer now? How big the space is. The best of everything? Why? Hey so what if you lose a little. Does it matter much? Will it make you a much lesser person than you already are? Who do you think you are? Inhale. Let go. One more time inhale. Deeper this time and let go. So what? Don`t you realise that you don`t actually have to make a choice at all? Maybe the choice will appear before you. Get another stick from the box and light another. Relax. Wait another minute.

THE SAYING

"Kalamakin" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

Old folks are wise indeed. They have gone through a lot in life. They passed on philosophical sayings that sometimes sounds so very simple but yet so definitively vast. I do not know the origin of the saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed" but one can look at it from various different point of view. I often wonder who was the person who left this wonderful particular saying until today it sounds like a legacy and at the same time sounds like a joke. A caricature.

Was this person babbling to himself because he was conned by someone else who befriended him for something precious that he had. After that something was mischieviously taken from him the so called friend left him for good. In his realisation that he had been conned he mumbled the words "A friend in need is a friend indeed".

Or could it be that this person was old and lonely. Memories of his past often haunted him. Those happy days when he had lots of friends and being needed, was a busy part of his everyday life. A routine. Until one day he got old and friends either passed away or had moved on with their own destiny. So he missed those happy times when he was being needed most of the times by friends. Thus upon the realisation of how wonderful it was when someone needed him, he sighed to himself the saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed".

Or just simply someone who helped this person out of his trouble. They just became bosom friends until the end. Being glad he sang "A friend in need is a friend indeed".

THE SEA

"Yunieta Munalisa" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

There`s this humongous sea of stagnant emptiness that appears and reappears impromptu. There seems no end. No shores. No beaches or trees to even mark the random coordination of your existence at this moment. Don`t bother to walk your way out. You are just a speck of grain in the middle of nothingness. No less than the trees and the stars. Forget about yesterday or tomorrow. Time has no meaning here. You are here now and there`s nothing you can do about it. Suddenly there`s no reason for anything. You are turning into one big fat zero that freezes in the middle of this dead calm sea. Actions and reactions are insignificant because the answer to anything does not matter. Only one thing certain. You are out of the rat race for better or worse.

THE FORM

There`s a form on my desk. Enquiring facts about me. Where I live. How much do I earn monthly. My phone number. My date of birth. Married or single. If married how many kids. Dotted lines. Blank spaces to fill regarding the type of jobs that I usually handle. Activities and sports. Associations that I`m in. My achievements in the previous year. Dotted lines, blank spaces, dotted lines, blank spaces. A very hungry form on my desk! I hate it!

THE KNOCKING ON MY FRONT DOOR

I am sad today. I had to let go something precious. Something that I admire very much. I am not a good decision maker but today I had to make one. After all considerations and careful thoughts I had to set something free today. Sadness is an aweful feeling. It lurks in one dark corner and keeps reminding me of things that will no longer be with me. Turning away from it is like trying to deny meandering thoughts that keep knocking on my front door. A terrible feeling that I know will stay a while whether I like it or not.

I have a feeling that I`ve been on this spot before. Why do some things in life keep repeating themselves? Especially the bad ones or have I been too careless to remember the good ones. Here I am again today, denying knocks on my front door.

THE FEVER

"Broken Faces" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

Have you ever felt being lonely in the middle of a crowd? Being alone is quite bearable but being lonely is something else. People babbling in coffee shops and restaurants and garbled speeches slippering through your ear. You hear people all around you, once in a while echoing laughters in the background and giggles made by young girls being teased by their spouses. Your eyes just mingle amongst the crowd but you don`t really see and couldn`t care less. You feel like you want to recluse yourself from everything else. You just want to stay there in the crowd and keep quiet in one corner. You can`t quite pinpoint if you are feeling good or bad. You don`t want to talk to anyone at that time. Not that you have any problems with anyone but you just want to be left alone. It is like covering yourself in a blanket on a misty cold morning.

Where are your thoughts at that time? You feel the cold sensation running down your spine. It is like the chill that you get at the beginning of a fever. Comfortably numb. Maybe it is the beginning of a fever after all.

THE LOSS

I used to have all these make beliefs inside my head. Each had different faces which were representation of what I was feeling at different times.I can still remember some of their names. Rib Bib, Revolution Chile, R, Pedjoang, Morpheus,The Human Error and lots more .I used to wear those masks on different occasions according to my feelings or what I was going to do. Never was there a time that I was feeling down or out. I used to manipulate my feelings with each "make belief" until I forgot about reality. When I woke back up from that dream, all the harsh facts about the reality that I had to face was gone. It was so easy. I used to only snap my fingers to get in and out of those dimensions.

I guess reality is a mere countdown of the ticking time. The more things I need in reality, the faster time ticks and the more I become immune to the sometime harsh realities of life. I have never liked realities.They are always things that I need to do. Need to have. Need to look for. Need this. Need that. These realities slowly consume my make beliefs and though i can still remember their names, the chances of resurrecting them back seem remote. I have tried.


"Pedjoang and Rib Bib" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE DEAD MEAT

I think I`m dead meat.I have never considered myself a troublemaker but still i go looking for one. Now I`m in. I must be starting to pick up my old habit i think..taking chances that is. Now I even take half chances. If this doesn`t work I`ll be in big trouble.Well like they say.. you win some and you lose some. Maybe this time around i should go full throttle.

THE MONKEY

Hello monkey... how u been? Long time no see... been dreamin bout ya n those happy times that we spent t`gether... been waterin da flowers all these while u know.. with this great big fat hope that i`d see ya one more time.. i dun actually know fer what.. but that fat hope still looms above my head like a piece of cloud stalkin me where ever i go.. hehe yea i reckon u still remember bout da flowers. Yer still my one hard habit ta break.Who knows one of these days we might bump into each other... n then what?

Well.. i know one thing though ..u got me on that boat .We can never turn back n undo that. Good luck where ever u r..cya.. if not here.. maybe in da next life huh?


"Hello Monkey" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE MOUNTAINS

A friend of mine said... life is like walking backwards while pondering in awe at the things and moments that you`ve left behind. The further you go the more beautiful those things seem from far. They`re like the mountains and the clouds in the horizon... so majestic from far. You just look in amazement and in the back of your mind, you know that you`ve been there.. and while you were there you didn`t feel the beauty of that place.. that particular moment... that... that particular "part" of the so called mountain ....you didn`t do quite enough. Somewhere, somehow you should have done this and that but at that particular time, those things didn`t cross your mind one bit.

This friend of mine got upset and said.. i wish i have a time machine so that i could go back and enjoy that mountain all over again. Life goes on and we can never go back especially trying to undo what we have done.

I said to this friend.. in that case my friend, why don`t you start walking forward and look where you are going.. you never know when you`re gonna hit a tree or a trip over a root.. and more importantly a prettier mountain just way yonder over those hills.

He got me upset.. what`s the point he said.. you will not be who you are when you reach this new mountain anyways.


"Here we are" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE DRAWING BOARD

The drawing board is a stage between dreams and reality. It`s some sort of a communicator where dreams in the head are translated into messages that`s visible and audible in reality. Once finalised to full perfection ( at least that`s what i always thought ), it should be easily understood and translated through the open mind of an ordinary human being.


One day on my drawing board...