THE PHONEY THINGS

I`m doing it again. I`ve not slept for two days. So many things on my mind. So many things to do. So many phoney things to chase. So many phoney things to get my hands on. To create. So many phoney things. So many phoney words to arrange and say. To have to listen to phoney words being said and make my own judgement. So many phoney people. To have to admire or to be awed by their phoney serenity. Phoney faces. So many phoney situations. Searching for the truth amongst phoney minds. No I don`t want the truth. Yes I do. No. I don`t. When will all these phoney things stop? I`d rather they not stop. Yes. Stop. No. Don`t stop. Yes. Stop. No. Don`t stop.

THE GIRL WHO WORE A SNOWCAP

Sketsa09B - ( a sketch from my early journal )

I know a girl who used to wear a snowcap. She used to surround herself with an imaginary wall of self believe that seems so humongous from an outsider`s point of view. Mine for once. She used to defend attacks of her principle with such great self esteem that one would be impossible to penetrate her private world. The more I tried to figure out her world, the smaller I`d become as the result of my curiousity. It was like knocking my head against the wall that she had built around herself. She had answers for almost everything she was doing. A cure for every predicament. Cleverly disguised. So perfectly intact she was, that one would never expect a flaw anywhere near her. To deter away bad feelings, she had curses and spells and ugly words. Anger and rage.

Time went by. Day by day. Once in a while I`d peep a little into her private merry go round whenever I could by hook or by crook. Slowly I began to understand her. That she had built the wall precisely to adapt herself with changing times. Reasons and excuses for every unwanted feelings that she wanted to deny. All neatly arranged accordingly when needed.

One day as we shared our breakfast and our little woes in life, if any, I saw sparkles in her eyes. Ones that I`ve never seen before and most of all, the wall that used to surround her, had crumbled. She kept relating about her feelings and smiled every now and then, with eyes lazily wandering far away through me and almost everything else in her path. No more spells and curses. I realised then that she had not worn her snowcap for a mighty long time. She had fallen for somebody.

THE BRIDGE

While I wasn`t looking, she actually burned the bridge that we built. She then just disappeared on the other side. It was something that I would never do or ever done in my life, intentionally. Made me wonder as I snapped out of my make belief dreams. How would she know that the way she was following was the right way. Full of optimism that she was confident enough not to return the same way back. Maybe precisely that was her reason. On the other hand maybe she was not at all optimistic about the decision that the way back must be destroyed at all costs. Not that I`ve never seen bridges burned before but that took me a bit by surprise. I would have sworn that I saw it coming. I even joked about it but she didn`t laugh. My only mistake was that I calculated it way too late. Hell, I`m not a good mathematician. Whatever the reason was, I hope she found the right way. For me, there`s a time for every little thing. That time, the time of the bridge was up. One thing certain is that I bear no grudges. That I am certainly sure. Now I know why she didn`t laugh.

THE BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE

Even after living for almost half a century, there still are things that never fail to bombard me with questions that I have no answers for. Is it me who is always filled with uncertainties and wouldn`t accept the answers because of the way I am thinking? Even that, I am not certain. I feel I am more matured and would accept the reality of an answer even if it makes me uncomfortable. Yes, I think so. Why would I run away from reality anymore? I already know where the run would take me. Nowhere. I would be back in no time because most of the things on the run, I`ve been lucky to experience and didn`t lose my way back.


"Dan Malam Pun Berpesta" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

Maybe "I`ve been there", like they always say but I took things for granted because they had been repetative throughout my life. They sure make me sick each time I snap out of it. After a while I`d realised that everything had been perfectly placed in their appropriate arrangement even without my doing anything. Maybe Ive forgotten. Everything just fell in place like jigsaw puzzles from the sky.

Only one thing new I`ve learned. One thing that I failed to implant inside my brain all these while until now. Sounds so easy that I`ve always took it for granted throughout my whole existence until now. Now I know why some people surrender their self being in solitude of the way of life. An existence. The answer? Well.. I can rest my brain now because I know it is somewhere in the future and when I reach it, I know one thing though. I`ll be smilling from the satisfaction of scratching my ellusive itch all the while. Blessings in disguise.