THE FORM

There`s a form on my desk. Enquiring facts about me. Where I live. How much do I earn monthly. My phone number. My date of birth. Married or single. If married how many kids. Dotted lines. Blank spaces to fill regarding the type of jobs that I usually handle. Activities and sports. Associations that I`m in. My achievements in the previous year. Dotted lines, blank spaces, dotted lines, blank spaces. A very hungry form on my desk! I hate it!

THE KNOCKING ON MY FRONT DOOR

I am sad today. I had to let go something precious. Something that I admire very much. I am not a good decision maker but today I had to make one. After all considerations and careful thoughts I had to set something free today. Sadness is an aweful feeling. It lurks in one dark corner and keeps reminding me of things that will no longer be with me. Turning away from it is like trying to deny meandering thoughts that keep knocking on my front door. A terrible feeling that I know will stay a while whether I like it or not.

I have a feeling that I`ve been on this spot before. Why do some things in life keep repeating themselves? Especially the bad ones or have I been too careless to remember the good ones. Here I am again today, denying knocks on my front door.

THE FEVER

"Broken Faces" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

Have you ever felt being lonely in the middle of a crowd? Being alone is quite bearable but being lonely is something else. People babbling in coffee shops and restaurants and garbled speeches slippering through your ear. You hear people all around you, once in a while echoing laughters in the background and giggles made by young girls being teased by their spouses. Your eyes just mingle amongst the crowd but you don`t really see and couldn`t care less. You feel like you want to recluse yourself from everything else. You just want to stay there in the crowd and keep quiet in one corner. You can`t quite pinpoint if you are feeling good or bad. You don`t want to talk to anyone at that time. Not that you have any problems with anyone but you just want to be left alone. It is like covering yourself in a blanket on a misty cold morning.

Where are your thoughts at that time? You feel the cold sensation running down your spine. It is like the chill that you get at the beginning of a fever. Comfortably numb. Maybe it is the beginning of a fever after all.

THE LOSS

I used to have all these make beliefs inside my head. Each had different faces which were representation of what I was feeling at different times.I can still remember some of their names. Rib Bib, Revolution Chile, R, Pedjoang, Morpheus,The Human Error and lots more .I used to wear those masks on different occasions according to my feelings or what I was going to do. Never was there a time that I was feeling down or out. I used to manipulate my feelings with each "make belief" until I forgot about reality. When I woke back up from that dream, all the harsh facts about the reality that I had to face was gone. It was so easy. I used to only snap my fingers to get in and out of those dimensions.

I guess reality is a mere countdown of the ticking time. The more things I need in reality, the faster time ticks and the more I become immune to the sometime harsh realities of life. I have never liked realities.They are always things that I need to do. Need to have. Need to look for. Need this. Need that. These realities slowly consume my make beliefs and though i can still remember their names, the chances of resurrecting them back seem remote. I have tried.


"Pedjoang and Rib Bib" - ( a sketch from my early journal )

THE DEAD MEAT

I think I`m dead meat.I have never considered myself a troublemaker but still i go looking for one. Now I`m in. I must be starting to pick up my old habit i think..taking chances that is. Now I even take half chances. If this doesn`t work I`ll be in big trouble.Well like they say.. you win some and you lose some. Maybe this time around i should go full throttle.